I Deserve It

I hesitated in writing this blog, only because I thought that no one will be able to identify with it – well actually I don’t identify with it – I’m just in it. You might think this is not a big deal but, my goldfish died today… and I am inordinately weepy about it. Is it hormones messing with my head? Is it the devil? Or is it the following?
His name was Martin Brody. I won him, fair and square, at the County Fair a few months ago. There are two things that are bothering me. One is that his life was in my hands; I was responsible for keeping his bowl filled with fresh water so he could continue to breathe. And secondly, this is a sad event at the end of a LONG string of sad events for me and my husband.
In the matter of being responsible for him, I failed, and it cost Martin his life. He suffocated because I left him with a friend without instructions to change his water, and when I finally got around to it, as my friend put it, “he was belly-up.” I killed Martin… then that reminds me of other irresponsible, unrighteous, bad things that I’ve done and I feel like I haven’t learned anything. If I was so repentant about all those other mistakes, why am I still killing goldfish?!!!
Then there’s the second thing that’s bothering me, after going through what the Catholics call a very long “Dark Night” (a period of perceived isolation away from God’s care). I can’t re-hash all the “negative” events in the passed year, but recently we have been getting some favor in life and some very distinct direction and communication from the Lord. So, we concluded that it wasn’t just a faith-building dark night, it’s that the Lord was just being quiet because we were on the wrong path – now that we’ve closed our shop and Glenn got a good job, that meant that we are in God’s will, the right way, the narrow path. But now Martin has died, I killed him, and I can’t help feeling like I must be on the wrong path again.
I don’t know if any of this is making any sense, but to put it simply, I am scared, because I know that I deserve now to be suffocated to death and I deserve a lot worse than that because of what I’ve done in the past… if the Lord has turned His face away from me again I just know some bad stuff is gonna happen to me.
I DO know that I am eternally covered by the Blood of Jesus Christ for all my past and future mistakes. I am not worried about my eternal salvation… I’m worried about my temporal, earthly salvation. Because, to put it bluntly, I expect to have earthly consequences and guidance from God… I’ll be getting what I deserve from my Heavenly Father.

In Court

I am tearful sitting outside of the courtroom… not because I’m shut out, not because I can’t stand by Glenn, I am so upset that I don’t know on which side of the aisle Jesus is sitting. He can’t be on both our sides, not in this case. Glenn and I have been being sifted for many years now, made to suffer. We can’t seem to make any right decisions. So even though we are here to have the local Law tell this attacker to stay away from us, I still think somehow that Jesus is not on our side. Was Jesus on Saint Paul’s side when someone finally unlocked his cell door and chopped off Paul’s head? The answer has to be YES. So yes, Jesus is with us as we face this liar, this attacker, this taker.