I Deserve It

I hesitated in writing this blog, only because I thought that no one will be able to identify with it – well actually I don’t identify with it – I’m just in it. You might think this is not a big deal but, my goldfish died today… and I am inordinately weepy about it. Is it hormones messing with my head? Is it the devil? Or is it the following?
His name was Martin Brody. I won him, fair and square, at the County Fair a few months ago. There are two things that are bothering me. One is that his life was in my hands; I was responsible for keeping his bowl filled with fresh water so he could continue to breathe. And secondly, this is a sad event at the end of a LONG string of sad events for me and my husband.
In the matter of being responsible for him, I failed, and it cost Martin his life. He suffocated because I left him with a friend without instructions to change his water, and when I finally got around to it, as my friend put it, “he was belly-up.” I killed Martin… then that reminds me of other irresponsible, unrighteous, bad things that I’ve done and I feel like I haven’t learned anything. If I was so repentant about all those other mistakes, why am I still killing goldfish?!!!
Then there’s the second thing that’s bothering me, after going through what the Catholics call a very long “Dark Night” (a period of perceived isolation away from God’s care). I can’t re-hash all the “negative” events in the passed year, but recently we have been getting some favor in life and some very distinct direction and communication from the Lord. So, we concluded that it wasn’t just a faith-building dark night, it’s that the Lord was just being quiet because we were on the wrong path – now that we’ve closed our shop and Glenn got a good job, that meant that we are in God’s will, the right way, the narrow path. But now Martin has died, I killed him, and I can’t help feeling like I must be on the wrong path again.
I don’t know if any of this is making any sense, but to put it simply, I am scared, because I know that I deserve now to be suffocated to death and I deserve a lot worse than that because of what I’ve done in the past… if the Lord has turned His face away from me again I just know some bad stuff is gonna happen to me.
I DO know that I am eternally covered by the Blood of Jesus Christ for all my past and future mistakes. I am not worried about my eternal salvation… I’m worried about my temporal, earthly salvation. Because, to put it bluntly, I expect to have earthly consequences and guidance from God… I’ll be getting what I deserve from my Heavenly Father.

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2 thoughts on “I Deserve It”

  1. Hi Kimberly, I am sorry for your loss of your goldfish. It is hard when you have one thing after another happen to you and I certainly can relate to that with loosing an animal, my dog Charity of 9 years died when we were away for Thanksgiving in 2010,and of course the spiraling firery trials that seem to come more then they go. No matter what we know that “all things” work together for our good because we love God and because we are called according to His purpose.
    Satan plays games with us but it is upto us to not to play his games. One of the games is guilt and we can be carrying it around like we don’t have it and then we pull it out and Bam we start walking in it. We know we are forgiven in this life but like you say there are things that happen that we do have to pay for in this life. But even in those things whatever they are money, health, family issues God is still working them out for His glory.

    We found out last week we are being Audited by the government,we need to be at there office on August 1st, here is another trial, are we somehow out of God’s plan, no I don’t believe so, but see Satan would have us believe so. As I am praying for you please pray for me.

    No matter what happens we know that God loves us and He has the best for us, and He knows your heart Kimberly, also I want to tell you God is restoring in your life good things but in order to get to the good things some bad things have to happen.

    I love you sister and I am praying for you and Glenn, God has some awesome things for your life, for His glory, and His purpose.

    God Bless,
    Stephanie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Stephanie. There’s nothing like praying for others when it comes to getting up out of depression. I will be praying for you two and your awesome encouragement has helped me so much this morning. Love, Your Sister, Kimberly

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